We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
