I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
