put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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