nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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