it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
