Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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