I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Randomize
