Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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