all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
