My brain says no but my pants say off.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
