'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Damn victory sex feels great
I want a musical about memes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
