You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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