Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
