I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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