Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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