Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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