I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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