I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
