Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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