Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
