Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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