The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
