It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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