Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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