I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
