my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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