quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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