I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
