walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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