You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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