I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
