I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
