Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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