I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I deserve this hangover.
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