So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
