Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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