i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
