you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think I just sharted jello shots
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
