One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
