explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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