She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
