you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
