the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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