I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
