1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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