i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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