he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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