OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
