seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
