I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
