Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
